Ladies, do those of you that do online dating ever send an unsolicited message to a man in whom you think you might be interested? And to those ladies who do not take part in online dating, do you ever initiate conversation with a guy in a bar/grocery store/coffee shop/etc.?
Here’s why I ask. It’s no secret I use the dating website OkCupid and I’ve used others as well. My relationship with OkCupid is the longest I’ve had with any dating website, though over the course of the four years I’ve used it, I’ve definitely deactivated my account and reactivated it months later a couple times. But I digress.
Anyway, in my years using OkCupid, I’ve noticed that while I’ve traded many messages with many people, the vast majority of those exchanges were initiated by me. Oh sure, I’ve had people rate my profile highly, but I’m talking about actual exchanges of messages. The vast majority of the message exchanges in which I have taken part have been initiated by me. And in talking with straight, male friends who use OkCupid, the same is true for them.
And that’s kind of frustrating. First off, sending someone an introductory message is tough. It’s never easy to figure out what to put in one. They’re like cover letters for resumes. You have to customize each one because you don’t want to be the guy who copies and pastes messages from one girl to the next. That’s a lot of pressure.
Additionally, waiting for the guy to make the first move seems counter-productive, especially if you’re on a dating website. I tend to send messages to people who I know have visited my profile two or three times because that usually means they gave it more than a cursory glance and found something in it they liked or we had in common. And when I send those introductory messages, often I’ll get this sort of thing in their response: “I noticed [insert profile details here] when I was looking at your profile the other day and am so glad you got in touch!”
But that begs this question: Why did you wait for me to get in touch instead of sending a message yourself? If I find myself visiting a lady’s profile more than two or three times, I’ll send her a message because she’s gotten my attention. And yet for the most part, even women who have visited my profile several times seem very hesitant to send that first message.
And so, ladies, here is what I would like to know from you:
- Do you send unsolicited/introductory messages via dating websites?
- If not, why not?
- How can a guy increase the likelihood of you sending them an unsolicited message? Or do you just have a blanket rule that you will never send one?
Thanks, all. I’m not trying to call anyone out here. I’m genuinely curious and would love to read your comments.
UPDATE: My Twitter pal Nycole, who blogs over at Secret Lives of Chicago Singles and her own blog, the Savvy Brunette, commented on this post with a link to something she wrote about this very same topic. It doesn’t answer the question of WHY ladies often don’t make the first move (though it does ask it), but it definitely takes them to task for not making it. Click here to read it. Seriously. Read it.
UPDATE 2: Also, just for the record, I know that no real evidence exists to prove my correlation between repeated views of my profile and actual interest in me as a potential dating partner. That said, I think the idea makes a lot of sense and I can’t think of any better way to even theoretically gauge interest in me as a dating partner. So I’m going with it until some scientist comes up with a better method to gauge how interested the female population of OkCupid is in me. Any scientists reading this … make that happen!